The Iguana Way

    Points

Activity

1

Sleeping in the sun; per hour

2

Sleeping in sun on top of another iguana

5

Sleeping on top of owner's head

10

Pooping in water bowl and making owner clean up

10

Pooping in food dish and making owner clean up

15

Pooping in fresh food

15

Pooping on owners head

20

Pooping on owners head just before owner leaves for work

30

Enthusiastically "making out" with his LuvSock when guests walk by

Pooping on furniture:  

2

chairs

10

sofas and futons

10

beds

275

pooping under the covers and watching smugly as owner's get into bed (possibly a fast ticket to ig heaven!)

Free Roamers and Pooping:

0

Poops in middle of newspaper

5

Poops on edge of newspaper, so half runs off

10

Poops on floor next to newspaper

15

Walks through poop, makes tracks all over room

20

Finds completely new place to poop

25

New poop place goes unfound for 24 hours

30

Owner finds poop by stepping in it

35

Owner wearing only socks in above incident

Knocking things over when your keepers aren't home:

1

each item

3

expensive items, each

10

completely clearing off a shelf

Climbing up bookcases and knocking out books from inside the shelves:

2

points per book

10

points for first editions or other antique volumes

5

Climbing higher than other iguanas

5

Climbing up expensive lace curtains higher than other iguana

10

Ruining lace curtains; each panel

10

Glaring disdainfully when owner objects to ruining of lace curtains or toppling of expensive items

1

Iguana leaping

2

Iguana leaping and landing on owner

5

Iguana leaping, landing on owner and tearing clothes and/or skin

1

Sticking iguana tongue out at something

2

Clawing futilely and biting at light bulb guard in cage

20

Dismantling same and destroying light without electrocuting self.

Tormenting other household pets; the degrees involved are:

1

staring until they go away;

3

crawling over them like speedbumps when they're asleep;

5

drinking out of their water bowl and making them wait until you're done;

15

kicking them out of their favorite sleeping spot so you can use it, then pooping there

Training humans for servitude to:

3

get you out of your house whenever you want;

5

feed you stuff they know isn't good for you, but you like;

15

give you massages whenever you want by pretending to have cramps;

25

make the other pets leave you alone after you tormented them;

50

let you loose in the house when they're away or asleep despite what they know you do when they're gone;

Artistic shedding:

5

looking like a leper when visitors arrive;

25

if it's a full-body shed and your guests hate herps and think they're creepy;

50

if they're close relatives whom you wish really hadn't come over to begin with

Hair Eating:

1

for each human hair they find and eat

3

for each hair they yank out of their head while they pretend to nuzzle your neck

Hiding Behind Furniture:

1

making you come and get them

2

if you have to move the furniture to get them

5

if it takes two (or more) people to move the furniture

1

bonus point for pretending they don't know what they've done!

And, finally...

5

For pooping on your hardcopy printout of The Iguana Way

10

...if it was a big wet one!